If I Were Olivia Pope… fixing LADY GAGA

Lady Gaga Artpop

‘LADY GAGA IS OVER!’ proclaim the headlines. Her new single “Applause” receives a tepid response from critics and music buyers. She engages in a very public Twitter feud with gossip columnist Perez Hilton. After a disastrous trek in South America, the U.S. leg of her Born This Way Ball cancels due to a hip injury.

It’s hard to believe that it was just four years ago when Mother Monster scored her sixth consecutive #1 Billboard Pop Song with her Beyonce duet “Telephone.” Previous #1 singles “Bad Romance,” “Paparazzi” and “Just Dance” were still inescapable on the dancefloors and radio airwaves. As Tweeters followed her in record clicks, Forbes magazine crowned her as one The World’s Most Powerful Women.

Lady Gaga Old School

So obviously, a LOT has changed, and Stefani Germanotta is obviously suffering from an inevitable backlash that the superstars of her caliber have all experienced before her.  So I, an avid music listener shall channel my inner Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington’s crisis expert and fixer from ABC’s Scandal) and offer suggestions to YOU, Lady Gaga in hopes of propelling you back to the top of pop supremacy.

Your album is called ARTPOP, not CHARTPOP: “Applause” failed to outsell “Roar” by Katy Perry. So what? It also leaked online forcing you to send it to radio a week earlier than planned. Who cares? No one would have made such a huge deal of this if it weren’t for you hawking sales of “Applause” with your Twitter pleas and meet & greet contests that came across as desperate. 200K in sales is still commendable, and worthy of an applause. Follow the aesthetically layered theme of your new concept album, and focus on your craft.  Besides, any news outlet quick to point out the non-blockbuster sales of “Applause” could be overshadowed by your simple assertion that “it’s all about the art, and not the charts!”

Gaga Twitter Feud Perez Hilton

Sometimes Silence DOES speak louder than words: Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So, whatever happened with Perez Hilton should have stayed with Perez Hilton. Yeah, his digs at your single were unnecessary, but were your public comments and replies ever required? You were vocal on your feed that he needs to leave you alone, prompting cynics to suggest that you’re playing the role of a victim. If you stood up to him with an Azealia Banks-style cussing, you would have been labeled a bitch. It’s a no-win situation, so why address or acknowledge him at all? Ignore him and move on. If he’s truly in your apartment building with intentions of stalking you, alert your security guards and the police, not all 39 million of your Twitter followers. With these silly celebrity feuds, the best response is usually always no response. Convince the world that you’re too busy planning a spectacular VMA performance to address Perez’s comments.  “Perez who?”

Although your words DO speak louder to your Little Monsters: Your fans known as Little Monsters are very passionate and vocal devotees. Any reviewer, fellow celebrity, blogger or forum user that speaks an ounce of criticism towards you will undoubtedly receive a bombastic lashing of epic militant proportions from one of them. WE ALL KNOW THIS. It’s just that your fans love and worship you so zealously that their vile and evil onslaught of words are no more than a reflection of their intense love and protection of you. So it came off as a bit of a surprise when you finally urged your fans to stop sending death threats to your naysayers, because it was appearing that you were only focused and consumed by your detractors. Your fans live by your every Tweet, so continue speaking up… but only when addressing them, and not just another hater.

Madonna Gaga

Embrace the Madonna comparisons: Face it, the Madonna comparisons will never go away. God created Adam and Eve, and Madonna created the pop star, the superstar, the music video star, the fashion chameleon, the very blueprint that you follow. So when the 20 billionth person likens your next magazine cover or music video to a Madonna magazine cover or music video, take it as a compliment and not as an insult to your creative mojo. Just as Madonna suffered the Marilyn Monroe comparisons in the early stages of her career, she never dismissed them but instead reveled in the connection by taking that persona to the next level. Kylie Minogue and Gwen Stefani have both remarked that Madonna has pretty much done everything there is to do as a female artist, and that it’s inevitable and an honor to be in her shadow.

Just Dance: You’re unique. You’re different. You’re edgy. We get it! You’re Lady Gaga, an artist. So can we just get back to the carefree fun music responsible for putting you on the map? No more overly contrived “Don’t Buy Applause” promo commercials. No more topless magazine photo shoots. No more meditating in the woods naked.  Give the world MORE killer live performances, MORE flawless vocals, and MORE dancing. Afterall, you said it best.  So why aren’t you following your very own words?…

“Just dance… gonna be okay…”

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